Sometimes my heart is totally into my spiritual journey. I read relevant books on the subject and if there are thought provoking exercises I do them with vigour. Conversations on the soul are ready to burst forth from my lips as soon as I find a like minded person. Usually my close friends. I revel in thinking deeply. It’s during this time that I “work” on myself. I confront my fears and attempt to free myself from denial.
Then there are times where my head rules my life. I know I have issues but feel more comfortable ignoring them. There may even be some wallowing involved. I don’t usually take very good care of myself during this time. I over-eat and don’t get enough sleep. It’s not a depression. Not exactly. It feels like drifting through thick fog on a rickety boat down a mud filled river. It’s so much work to get that boat turned around and head back to the clear fast flowing stream I passed not so long ago.
I drift off the path, I think, because it’s easier to live in denial. Well, in the long run it isn’t, but it feels easier at the time. I don’t have to face myself. Change is hard! It’s about letting go of those long learned survival instincts that got us through our childhoods.
Like, did you know that I could read minds? Yes! I learned this skill when I was younger. I knew when my mom was cranky or really mad. I knew what mood my brother was in. I could tell when my parents were gonna have a real argument or when it was just a passing tiff. And I knew when to get out of the way to my room where my books were and where I could sink into a story and forget everything going on around me.
Unfortunately, this skill can be hard to turn off. When a friend was quiet it seemed I knew all about what she was feeling/thinking. And egotistically it had to be about me. She must be mad at me or whatever. Of course, her silence usually turned out to be about a hang nail or something – nothing to do with me. How ’bout that?! It’s taken me years, but thankfully, I have tackled this “talent” of mine, and so, at least, recognize fairly quickly if I’m practicing my so called mind-reading.
And not to blame everything on my childhood. It wasn’t that bad. 🙂 But we all learn to “deal” in our own unique ways that stick into adulthood.
Anyway, I’m currently trying emerge from the fog and face some stuff about myself. What do I get from losing my temper? What’s my pay-off? How can I change it?
But the fog is tempting. It takes commitment to ward off. Just as anything worthwhile takes commitment to achieve.
Now, with all of that balogne stuff being said I’m also recognizing that kindness and forgiveness of myself is essential as well. I won’t ever be perfect and I will stumble. And that’s gotta be okay.