Feelin’ Down

I am going to be perfectly honest.  It’s been awhile since I’ve been that on here.  Warning:  it’ll be a bit of a pity party.

I’m struggling.  I’m just not feeling good…or happy.  I wouldn’t go so far to say that I’m depressed, but I feel disconnected.  I feel asleep.  Lethargic.  Unmotivated.  Overwhelmed with all I want to accomplish.  Frustrated. 

When I’m out and about in the world I can be happy.  I can even feel happy.  I talk and laugh with my friends – it’s not an act.  It’s when I come back home that the weight of my inaction presses down on me and leaves me feeling exhausted.  I open the door to chores left undone and I sink. 

My house is a mess.  What’s new right?  But it’s really getting me down lately.  I want it to be clean.  I do.  But I don’t want to do what I need to, to get it in order.  There is no part of me that wants to clean my bathroom right now.  (man, I sound like a spoiled brat!)

I’m overweight.  I need to exercise, but don’t feel like it.

My homeschooling world is disjointed and disorganized.  I’m reading books, blogs, and talking to people…exchanging ideas- I want to educate my children better, but I’m almost paralyzed.  I read something in a book that is inspiring or listen to someone’s enthusiastic story of what they’re up to with their children, and I feel so sad that I haven’t been doing it that way all along and have thereby totally screwed up my kids.  Instead of simply creating a new experience, I dive deep into guilt and fear.  I recognize that it’s such a waste of time, but for some reason I’m choosing not to change.

I procrastinate.  There’s errands and tasks that have been on my to-do list and I just don’t get them done.

What I’m missing, I think, is fervor.  I used to have enthusiasm when I thought of something that I wanted to do.  It’s there.  This is going to sound crazy but I feel the enthusiasm floating somewhere separate from me.  It’s there hovering just off to the side.  I need to bring it inside of me.

It’s probably a combination of things bringing me down.  I need to eat healthier, exercise, sleep more, and take vitamins.  I want to incorporate some meditation…daily.  I’ve gotta just do what needs to be done.  I would say to my kids that it doesn’t matter if you “feel like it” just do it.   

So, that’s the plan, I guess…

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About Debbie

I am a stay at home mom of 2 energetic children. I homeschool them as well. I have a great husband who, after 7 years of working away from, finally has a job where he is home every night. We are trying to learn how to live together again along with adjusting to the lower pay that came along with the job change.
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5 Responses to Feelin’ Down

  1. wissink6 says:

    Hugs dear friend. It is so hard when we know what we need to do yet just don’t want to. I am that way all the time. And yet the results of me not doing it is what gets me down. A hard cycle to break. Let go of the guilt and start new each day (I think thats what you told me lol) So what you didn’t do it a certain way before , you can now if you want to. i hope you feel better!

  2. Debbie says:

    lol – I am much better at giving advice than accepting it, Jaime. 🙂 Thanks for the encouragement.

  3. Carla says:

    Don’t be too hard on yourself. I just went through something similar and finally found a doctor who said, “I think you’re suffering from adrenal exhaustion.” Now I seem to be on the road back to being myself, but it’s not without it’s ups and downs. I hope the energy and enthusiasm come back soon for you.

  4. Elsa says:

    Hi Debbie
    In a way I was glad to hear what you were going through (meanie that I am!) because I am going through the same thing myself and you made me feel that I’m not the only one. We’ve just been on holiday for two weeks and have I done all the tidying I said I would? Have I gone through all the boys clothes like I said I would? Have I made all the phone calls I said I would? I’m sure you know the answer is NO – I haven’t done much I said I would.
    I don’t have any answers – I hope that once the sun starts to shine and it gets warmer you and I will feel more energetic, but I must say – don’t beat yourself up about it – it won’t help and you will feel worse. Concentrate on what you have done – unless you have spent all day in bed you must have got something done. And if you spent all day in bed? – you must have needed the break!
    You are a great mum and wife and your fervour will come back – just give it time!
    Lots of love Elsa

  5. The very nature of my profession has meant a great deal of soul searching along the many years, perhaps that is why many within my profession turn to humour and in my case through my blogging, facebook as well as with friends, it helps to release the dark side of life.

    In addition the walks on the beach and alongside the loch allows the mind its freedom, equally sharing such outdoor pursuits with my wee cavalier brings alive the meaning of life and thereof – my existence.

    May you find the light in which to renew your own existence and purpose in sharing with a wonderful family and with dear friends.

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