I am going to be perfectly honest. It’s been awhile since I’ve been that on here. Warning: it’ll be a bit of a pity party.
I’m struggling. I’m just not feeling good…or happy. I wouldn’t go so far to say that I’m depressed, but I feel disconnected. I feel asleep. Lethargic. Unmotivated. Overwhelmed with all I want to accomplish. Frustrated.
When I’m out and about in the world I can be happy. I can even feel happy. I talk and laugh with my friends – it’s not an act. It’s when I come back home that the weight of my inaction presses down on me and leaves me feeling exhausted. I open the door to chores left undone and I sink.
My house is a mess. What’s new right? But it’s really getting me down lately. I want it to be clean. I do. But I don’t want to do what I need to, to get it in order. There is no part of me that wants to clean my bathroom right now. (man, I sound like a spoiled brat!)
I’m overweight. I need to exercise, but don’t feel like it.
My homeschooling world is disjointed and disorganized. I’m reading books, blogs, and talking to people…exchanging ideas- I want to educate my children better, but I’m almost paralyzed. I read something in a book that is inspiring or listen to someone’s enthusiastic story of what they’re up to with their children, and I feel so sad that I haven’t been doing it that way all along and have thereby totally screwed up my kids. Instead of simply creating a new experience, I dive deep into guilt and fear. I recognize that it’s such a waste of time, but for some reason I’m choosing not to change.
I procrastinate. There’s errands and tasks that have been on my to-do list and I just don’t get them done.
What I’m missing, I think, is fervor. I used to have enthusiasm when I thought of something that I wanted to do. It’s there. This is going to sound crazy but I feel the enthusiasm floating somewhere separate from me. It’s there hovering just off to the side. I need to bring it inside of me.
It’s probably a combination of things bringing me down. I need to eat healthier, exercise, sleep more, and take vitamins. I want to incorporate some meditation…daily. I’ve gotta just do what needs to be done. I would say to my kids that it doesn’t matter if you “feel like it” just do it.
So, that’s the plan, I guess…