Blogging – A Theraputic Distraction (lonnng)

I have decided that – yes – I definitely have a sensitivity to loud/annoying noises.  More than a sensitivity.  They make me very very cranky.  It doesn’t sound like a big life changing realization but after I’ve had episodes of going-off at people for, apparently, no good reason it takes quite a load off knowing that there actually IS a reason.  It’s the loud music competing with the blaring TV that makes me feel like I’m going to lose it.  That one seems pretty obvious, but it also explains why I don’t enjoy large busy malls – there’s a tonne of conflicting noise there.  Or why I suddenly snap at the kids to be quiet when they’re playing reaches a certain decibel in the house.

Adrian is, as I write this, drilling holes in the wall in the basement.  The concrete walls.  So, needless to say, the drilling is LOUD.  And, although, he’s being very constructive and working on our home I really feel like yelling, “STOP IT!”  Which, I never would.  Not unless I felt the desire to suddenly learn how to be an electrician and work on our own wiring. 

No.  I thought instead I would turn my frustration into a blog post.  Much more therapeutic and much less likely to cause a divorce.  😉

You might not notice the time, but it’s 9’oclock in the evening on New Year’s Eve.  And as you read above Adrian is working on the wiring.  And I’m blogging.  So, no.  We don’t have any wild plans for the evening.  I’ll be lucky if I’m even awake at midnight because that’s how tired I feel tonight.  Unless we find a movie to watch.  In which case we’ll have to remind ourselves to wish each other Happy New Year’s at 12:00 am.  I know.  We lead a wild and zany life.

Sigh.  The drilling has stopped.  Peace.

Plus it’s cold out.  We could have gone to the nearby town and gone skating and watched fireworks.  But, call me crazy; I don’t feel like being outside in -22 degrees C (-30 C with the windchill) kind of temperatures!  No way.  No how.  AND.  J is getting over being ill.  She’s still coughing.  We also could have gone to a friend’s open house party, but the radio says the roads aren’t great.

Let’s see.  What other excuses can I think of?  He he.  I really not making excuses.  Just as I write this I realize that’s what it sounds like.

Ahhhh!  And the drilling starts again!!  It totally gives me the heebie geebies.

On Monday, we had another Blogger’s breakfast/lunch get together.  When I think about it, I’m amazed how I’m starting to think of these ladies as friends not just fellow bloggers.  You know how we have certain labels for the people in our lives?   Co-worker, neighbour, so-and-so’s mom, a lady at the PTA (or whatever volunteer group), etc.  For instance, we met a new family last year.  R became fast friends with the son, and I, of course, started getting to know the mom.  If I were to refer or introduce her to someone, I would say “this is B’s mom” or “this is a mom I know through music class”.  Then came the day where that label changed and I began saying, “this is my friend, Jennifer”.  It sounds funny, I suppose, but I felt the shift and consciously changed the label in my mind from “fellow mom” to friend.  It happened with Dawn, too.  For awhile it was “this is my neighbour, Dawn”.  Now it’s, “this is my friend, Dawn.  Oh.  She’s also my neighbour.” 

What was my point?  Oh yes.  Since we’ve meeting up with these fellow bloggers semi-regularly for about a year and a half now I’m feeling real comfortable with them.  The invitation is open to more people to join us, too.  Which fills me with some trepidation, I have to admit, because I’m always nervous meeting new people.  I’m sure it’ll be fine in the end, though.

So, if you’re still with me I suppose I should talk about goals for the new year since it is New Year’s Eve.  I was watching the news tonight and they were talking about resolutions and how, as we all know, most are broken.  In my own life, I’ve found this to be the case, too.  So, I don’t make them.  Yes, I would like to lose weight, but that’s not new or unique to the new year.  That’s a life goal. 

There is something I’d like to work on though.  It’s something I’ve been thinking about and observing in myself for awhile (as long as I can remember) now.  I am fed up, sick and tired, and just plain had it with worrying what people think of me.  It affects almost every aspect of my life!  Now, it has improved as I’ve gotten older but it’s still there.  I think I can attribute most of my “issues” to it.  Hmmm.  Let’s see if I can list some…

• My weight: my desire to lose it has mostly to do with my health and energy level, but also I’m insecure about my appearance.
• My house:  Any stress I experience at having visitors ALL comes from what will they think of how I keep my home.
• My personality:  Am I too outspoken?  Not outspoken enough?  Did I offend that person?  Am I funny?  Am I smart?  Interesting?  Rude?  Oh my.  The list goes on and on.  And I KNOW I’m fine in these areas, but my head just can’t seem to make my heart understand that.
• My marriage:  Yes, it’s sad.  But I worry what people think of my marriage.  Sigh.
• Camping:  Ha!  I’ll bet you’re saying “huh?” at this moment.  How can someone have insecurity issues with camping?  Well, welcome to my neurosis, my friends.  I don’t like packing too much stuff because people will think we…what?  I don’t even bloody-well know!!  They might think we take too much stuff.  What’s wrong with that?  I dunno.

Before you start thinking I’m a complete freak (lol – 🙄 here I am worrying what you’re thinking again) this insecurity doesn’t completely consume my life.  As I said, I’m much better in my thirties than I was in my twenties.  Much better.  But it’s still there.  And I want it gone!  Now how do I rid myself of it.  Just say over and over that I don’t care what people think?  Nah, it’s gonna be some deeper working-on-myself thing.  Decade by decade it’ll get better.

Well, now.  This was one long post.  It felt good to just write.  For me.  I’m going to try to write more this year, too.  I’m not making promises to how often – I can pretty much guarantee that it’ll be inconsistent. 

I started blogging because I enjoy writing.  Life gets in the way at times, though, but so does that blasted insecurity of mine.  There are posts I haven’t written because of it and some I’ve taken down (that won’t happen again).  I’ve been asked why I reveal such personal things on here.  My answer is that it’s just who I am.  I think out loud.  If its on my mind it’s what I want to write about.

So, here’s to a happy healthy New Year.  Best Wishes!